Women and the niceness factor

Much has changed in this world. Women have made great strides in the workplace, in virtually every field. They are no longer considered an unnecessary addition to the workplace, and people no longer accuse women of having somehow denied a man somewhere his job. But does this mean its all roses for women? Definitely not.

Women had to fight the domesticity factor in the last century - they had to prove that their homes would not completely fall apart if they stepped outside for 8 hours a day. And so they did. And they did incredibly well. However, today, there is a bigger obstacle that women have to fight. This struggle will be harder than the battles our mothers faced. It is against the most invisible, insidious thing - PERCEPTION; the socially acceptable norm that women are supposed to conform to, they are expected to be nice, no matter what the situation.

In the corporate jungle, guess how far "niceness" takes you? I most certainly am not implying that people react positively only to authoritative behavior. However, in certain situations, women aspiring to be in leadership positions have to display strength. And guess what happens when a woman does that, stepping out of the nice box just a little? She is called a bitch. I truly do not get it . What is the equivalent such word for men in the dictionary? A-hole maybe? I have never met a single man that genuinely got upset when called that!

Research now consistently shows that women earn far less than men in the same job roles. Why? Because, we just cannot strike a hard bargain (and i am totally guilty of this). We think a million times before demanding things that rightfully belong to us. We try not to seem too ambitious. Obviously, there are exceptions to this - Indira Nooyi, Meg Whitman, Nancy Pelosi etc etc. But when you look away from these success stories, there are so many untold tales of brilliant, courageous women, who end up not reaching the pinnacles they deserved to.

Trust me, this problem is not due to chauvinistic men. This problem is also not due to domestic commitments. People do not openly preach niceness to women. And in many cases, women do not even realize something like this is going on. The compulsion to be "nice" has somehow been programmed into the female DNA. By "niceness", i am not referring to true goodness of the heart. I am talking about the way women hold back from saying certain things (usually critical), and from asking for certain things (usually monetary), because they somehow are afraid of not looking, what else, nice!

I'm not sure how, but society somehow ends up ingraining this attitude in women, right from the beginning. I saw a classic demonstration of this on TV. A researcher took 2 jugs of lemonade, and dumped a cup of salt into each jug. He served the lemonade first to a group of little boys (maybe between the ages of 6 and 8) in a room, and then to a group of little girls in a nearby room. The videotaped reactions were incredible. The boys, after one sip of the salty lemonade, refused to drink anymore. "Ewww", "gross" etc etc were the reactions. The girls? Many of them (while making faces behind the researchers back), ended up finishing their entire glasses, and also complimented the researcher. Later, he asked them if they found the lemonade salty. They hesitatingly replied "uh..a little!". When pressed further, they revealed that they did not want to hurt his feelings, and hence suffered through the salty drink.

Here are a few more examples -

1) A friend of mine got a job offer, and accepted it. One week into the new job, she got another incredible job that she had interviewed for earlier. Did she take the new offer (which would have suited her family better in many ways)? No. The reason? She did not think it would have been a nice thing to do. At least 3 men I know have jumped jobs right after joining a new one. Is it the nicest thing to do? Most certainly not. It is also very inconvenient for the employers you just dissed. But what if the new job involves no traveling and a better pay which then works out a lot better for your family? Why should you not choose that?

2) Two first ladies - one current, and one, a former first lady. Their approval ratings? The current first lady is highly regarded, and the former first lady has likability ratings of only 34% despite a high profile presidential campaign. The reason? The current first lady is considered "very nice", and the former? Not so much, because she dared piss a few people off, fighting for health care reforms that she believed in, and oh, she does not have a sugar sweet persona.

3) A bunch of presidential candidates - Each more ambitious than the other. The most vitriol is directed at the lone woman candidate. Why? Oh, because she is daring enough to show some personal ambition. And the reaction of the pundits? She is failing as she is not "likeable" enough.

4) Men in the workplace show passion ? They are considered ambitious go-getters. A woman in the workplace shows a little passion and ambition? Oh, shes a bitch

5) A cooking show host on the food network comes across as a little friendly and approachable. She then builds an entire career solely on her "niceness", which conveniently eclipses the fact that she cannot cook at all. "Hey i'm nice, so give me a medal!" seems to be her motto.

Gosh, we have such a long way to go. And we are not going to get anywhere simply with affirmative action or pro-women quotas and reservations. The change has to come from within us. I'm gonna start with me. Sure, I will keep being nice, but, I will also take care of myself, and push for the rewards I truly deserve. And the next time I see a woman kicking butt? Instead of thinking "what a bitch", I will most certainly think, "go for it sister!!!"